February, of course

I finally finished making my “TylerJamz 2009!1!!111!” mix.  I will burn you a CD of you ask, mainly because I want to hear them wherever I go and that would help facilitate that.

1. Little Boots – Remedy

God damn that whore Lady Gaga stealing Little Boots thunder.  I can’t believe I hear that fucking song Bulletproof by the other English dancepop tart in bars instead of this.  God damn it, I can’t believe I just plugged it.  Ladyhawke is kind of better, too, but not as easy on the eyes methinks (and her album came out in 2008).  You’ll see more from Little Boots later on in this broadcast.

2. The Joy Formidable – Cradle

Oh Welsh indie pop, how I love you.  (See also Los Campesinos!, Catatonia, Super Furry Animals).  I like the big, bombastic opening and the bass slide that concludes it.  Also, it appears I like blonde European chicks a lot?  (See 1, 2, 3, 9, 11?)

3. The Asteroids Galaxy Tour – Around the Bend

I think I stole a bunch of Mette’s dance moves from this video.  It’s pretty fun.  AND YES, it was in an iPod commercial.

4. The Lonely Island featuring T-Pain – I’m on a Boat

Gah.  It was everywhere.  I love the wave motion with the arm and T-Pain just being in it.  He was in the episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force where he played Frylock with a big french fry top hat.  He makes me laugh.

5. Memory Cassette – Asleep at a Party

Dreamgaze is making a comeback?  Check out A Sunny Day In Glasgow as well.

6. Micachu – Golden Phone

I wanted to make this my new ringtone.  Fuck you Verizon.  This video reminds me of Liz Lemon taping the beginning of Dealbreakers rofl

7. Neko Case – People Got a Lotta Nerve

Did you know you can buy this song as DLC on Rock Band 2?  I bet I am the only person who has done so.

8. Jay-Z featuring Alicia Keys – Empire State of Mind

ZOMG my new jam.  Big lights will inspyah youuuuu!

9. Little Boots – New in Town

Thrilleresque dance breakdown?  Yes plz.  The first 6 tracks on her 2009 album Hands are, like, awesome.

10. Anamanaguchi – Blackout City

This the only good bitpop band…and the video kind of makes me want to ride a bike?  While playing Mega Man II?  What the fuck?

11. Kap Bambino – Dead Lazers

The singer is French, which makes her say some of the words really funny.  I love it.  ‘I want to see zose ded lay-zerz strouz da night!’

12. Fucked Up – Son the Father

Sometimes I do like to rock.  But these guys are a hXc band from Canada…is that even possible?  I think that puts them -cred more than Green Day’s accent.

13. The Pains of Being Pure at Heart – Young Adult Friction

oh boy 80s-sounding hipster fuck bands?  Count me in.  It’s like catnip for clones.

14. Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Heads will Roll

This is an awesome song, but the first time I heard it I knew there was a better, chart-topping version in some remix of it.  No one has done it yet.  (I’m working on it, but I uh, suck?  Perhaps you heard my dance remix of Fleetwood Mac’s The Chain?)

15. Ke$ha – Tik Tok

Just like Just Dance, I knew this song would blow up solely because it’s about some slutball going out and getting krunk’d.  If it’s catchy, a song like that is number one with a bullet, sirs.

16. Passion Pit – Sleepyhead

It’s a speardog in a cave (a secret to everybody) why I like this song, right Stephanie?

17. Joker’s Daughter – Lucid

Everything Danger Mouse works on ends up sounding more or less the same, but this time it’s got a feathery-voiced English chanteuse?!?  ZOMG–that’s like when Netflix suggests anything with Emma Watson!  Fuck you, 1930′s ballet movies!!!!!!11

18. Micachu – Vulture

I like the carnivalness of the one part of this song.  I call it ‘the carnival sounding part’.

19. Miike Snow – Animal

A song that I may or may not think is or is not awesome to make out to.  Or not make out to…it’s a secret to everbody??

AND FINALLY (of course)

20. Party in the U.S.A. – Miley Cyrus Fucking Disney won’t let me embed.  It’s kind of a sweet video that I just saw for the first time in a Chicagoland bar lol  I really like how she has an Asian cowgirl friend.  I think they revoke your AZN card if you ever put on cowboy boots.  YOU LOSE, GIRL.

*EDIT: unless it’s to be Miley Cyrus’ friend.  Then great honor to your famiry.

Diagnosis: AVATAR

So people are experiencing depression after seeing Avatar.

But seriously folks?

I was sad when I found out I can’t actually train to be a Jedi…BUT I WAS ALSO TEN YEARS OLD.

Avatar is a pretty awesome .mov, .tho  See it (in 3D, of course) if you haven’t already.  It looks sweet, but is more predictable from James Cameron’s other movie TITANIC–you know, the one where the ship hits an iceberg and sinks AS RECORDED BY HISTORY?  The tough guy’s moxie impresses the nerdy, skeptical scientist?  He gets separated from the group and he’s saved–and eventually falls in love with–an opposing female?  She’s the crown princess?  ET AL.

And this movie is set in ‘our’ future, right?  Didn’t anyone watch the 20th century classic Star Wars?!  THE EWOKS ALWAYS WIN.  And how moronic do you have to be to think fucking with a people WHOSE NERVOUS SYSTEMS ARE ADAPTED TO LINK TO ALL THE ANIMALS AND PLANTS OF THE PLANET isn’t going to become a big problem to said planet?  Predictable movie villain moronic, that’s how much.

Doesn’t help that they had General Pickett leading the charge, either.

In other news that’s just as ridiculous, there was supposedly a sheep born with a human face.  I refuse to look at any pictures of it as just the notion of what that may look like really, really creeps me out.

I think Let Me Google That For You is really, really funny.

Last night’s 30 Rocks were super funny, again throwing me into a tailspin of  ‘how do I love that which Tina Fey (or as I am wont to call her The Scarred Bitch of the Apocalypse) hath wrought?’  It also brings me to another edition of Everything Fucked Up Comes From Japan with Moe Anthropormorphism aka Why That Human-Faced Sheep Got Fucked Into Existence.

Help me click on pictures you find of Moe stuff.  That’s not creepy AT ALL.

My life is extremely tough.  In addition to my hardship of having a full iPod, resulting in me having to decide what to delete to make room whenever I get a new album, I’ve had to face the Conan/Letterman Dilemma.  I’ve watched Letterman since summer trip to some beachhouse when I was like 13 years old, and Conan from whenever he started, so when they got put up against each other….UH OH.

Anyway, if you hadn’t heard, the pinheads over at NBC are again f-ing with one of my comic idols, this time CoCo Christopher.  It’s true, you can’t call a show on AFTER MIDNIGHT, ‘The Tonight Show’.  Knock it off, NBC.

I'm with Coco!

The Future

…is Vaping.  Or E-smoking.  Or iHaling.

Go digital. Analog smoking is so Pre-Colombian.

Tyson here will demonstrate:

That's not fire, caveman! That's blue LED!

Via magick, liquid nicotine ('juice') is vaporized ('vaped')! Also, magick!

Print and cut these pictures out, staple them together, and make an interactive flipbook! Kids, ask your parents for permission.

You can get teh juice in different flavors, like Red Bull, Parliament, or Unflavored!

(I bet that's cock flavored)

So’s I wents to Chicagos lasts weeksends.  Friday I got to see MASTER SHAKE LIVE.

The best part about the guy who does Shake’s grating, cartoonish voice is THAT’S HIS REAL VOICE.  Unfortunate for life, great for animated gibbering milkshakes!

I also got to eat Kazoozles, some awesome new candy made by Wonka.  I think it’s only in the big markets so far, but if anyone sees any let me know.

Kazoozles slogan is that they are a ‘delickoricious chewy candy’.

Great Willy H. Wonka.  I can barely fucking pronounce Kazoozle, and you decide to throw in delickoricious as well?!  WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT WORD?  I am pretty sure the marketing geniuses who made this one up decided it would be clever and hip to mash delicious, lick, and licorice into one word, but guess what?  It looks and sounds AWFUL.

Anyway, the day I find a candy that I would even attempt to use the word ‘delicious’ to describe said candy…is the day I get some MORE GOD-DAMNED KAZOOZLES!  Me wanty!

(I bet they're cock flavored.)

*NOTE TO MARKETING GENIUSES WHO MADE THIS ONE UP: Kazoozles flavored liquid nicotine?  I might as well starting prostituting now to save up money because I would be MAINLINING THAT JUNK.

Boosh

My friend teaches at this school.

Special Bridal Issue!

So Roy got married…at a FUCKING CASTLE.

LFM 1 Poor Bastard Who No Longer Wants Any Freedom, PST!

Rofl but srsly guys, it was super fun.  AND I got to re-enact my favorite WoW raids:

Onyxia's Lair!

Karazhan!

Touching Girls! (Also, MC was there!)

And of course…

Type II 'adult onset' Diabetes!

THIS FUCKING CAKE.  Cheesus Crust, it was so Gouda-damned sweet IT MADE MY TEETH HURT.  And I’m well known for chewing sugar packets straight up and putting sugar on my ice cream!  (It makes it look like fresh snow glistening in a crisp winter noonday sun…in someone’s mouth.)

…I ate five pieces.

Gz to Roy and Missy!!!!

The Case of Missy and Roy and Why They Didn't Hire Tyler As Their Wedding's Official Photographer

KIDS: This is how Swine Flu is spread! (Also, Eric was there!)

"I want to leave real early" "So do I!" "Welp, I better too!" (aka Reckinger, Cara, and Spencer)

Roy and Missy’s wedding is where I discovered my love of Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA”.  I’m not kidding.  I say, ‘my tummy’s turnin’ and I’m feelin’ kinda homesick’, every fifth sentence now (1).  Although, upon 350th listen, how many ‘Nashville parties’ are bopping to Jay-Z, Miley.  OR SHOULD I SAY HANNAH?!  Dummy.

The wedding was in Charlevoix and later my tummy’s turnin’ and I’m feeling kinda homesick, so I decided to creep some Facebook.  I noticed I was largely drawn to click the names I found in ‘All friends(1337)’ that had a mysterious horizontal line attaching the last name I recognized to some other unfortunate jumble of letters.  (Also, any girls I had MAJOR crushes on.)

I later discovered this ‘hypheen‘, as it’s been known by since the Gutenberg/Merriam Conclave of Ought O’Sixty+thirds, denotes the wondrous union of two souls in marriage, the latter name usually belonging to whomsoever forged the blood pact with Satan to ensure the continued blissful longevity of said union.  (I kid!  There’s no such thing as ‘blissful longevity of said union’!  All hail Satan, Lord Master-of-Lies, Majority Partner Forger-of-Illusory-Binding-Contracts!)

So everyone’s married now?  I guess I didn’t get the memo!  But then I wondered, ‘how do I  know what males I went to elementary/middle/high school with (and had MAJOR crushes on!) have gotten Hitch‘d, other than being invited to their weddings to wreck it up by requesting “Party in the USA”?’  Answer: UNCERTAIN.

If you, or any of your loved ones, have any information on how to solve this mystery, please call (989) 895-2300…you need not give your name.

Of Bats and those who are Batty

I’m not a huge fan of the sporte of bases-ball, but I was alerted to important contest of it between the Detroit Tigers and Minnesota Twins a few days back–a game ,as AJ put it, ‘to determine if the Tigers are the biggest chokers ever or the worst team to ever make the playoffs.’ lol

How was I alerted to it?  By god-damned Facebook being covered in only things about it: “Tigers rule!”  “Go Tigers!”

I had to work that night at The Unit.  We had it on and the Tigers lost and it was spectacularly a choke job.  At the end this one patient, who pretty much just always sat alone and was what we call, ‘internally preoccupied’, piped up and asked, “Was that Rodney?”, aka Fernando Rodney Detroit’s closer.

Someone told him it had indeed been Rodney pitching at the end there.

“Figures.”

Which tells me that not only do the acutely psychotic know that Rodney is a shitty pitcher, but also that baseball is such a crappy game that even the most acutely psychotic can FOLLOW AN ENTIRE GAME.

The best part was when I got home and Facebook was plastered with all the people who loved the Tigers calling for their disbanding and how much they hated/loathed/despised/never had confidence in them.  If you’re going to be a fair weather fan, at least don’t do it where I can see you behaving completely opposite TWO LINES ABOVE.

Also thanks Facebook for re-awakening my sleeping Bejeweled addiction!  Awesome!  fml

Johnny ‘Tookie’ Appleseed

Not even the fruit aisles in Chicago are safe from gang activity:

Stephanie: I bet they're getting ready to fight the Blood Oranges

So I went to ChiTown over the weekend to visit Step.

I tried to use Canadian coins so many times to pay tolls or give to hipsters (read: BUMS), but it turns out that doesn’t fly in anywhere but Michigan.  I’m pretty certain some Canadian places won’t even take fucking Canadian confetti money.  “Let’s let that shitty hand state with no economy use this stuff, because it’s fucking Monopoly money, eh?”  “BRILLIANT!

As you know I have recently been obsessed with Hell’s Kitchen, so Sunday we were going to go out to an upscale food eatery.

Because I do not own a jacket, we were forced to instead hit the local Jewel-Osco (or as I will now refer to it, Chicago Meijer) to fuck snooty ChiTown and cook up our own delicious foodstuffs.

The base components of fine dining add up fast!  We spent like 60 bucks on like fucking clumps of vegetables!  DEATH BLOOMS.

First course: some weird weird things called Chease?  I later found out that this is basically spoiled animal milk mixed with bacterium!  How is this a legal foodstuffs?!  WHAT THE FUCK>!

Protip: Don't eat the red bullshit!

I then fired up a pan and seared some fresh sea scallops in it.  We had to go to Tyler’s Bane to pick up those lil babies.  We also cooked up some Leaf of the Gods to top it off.

Like 20 dollars for eight scallops, sirs.

Steph then fired up a most perfectly cooked asparagus risotto.

You win this round vegetables...

Finished off with a filet mignon, with my extra secret seasoning.  I’ll give you one hint: it’s probably butter.

Protip: don't eat five people worth of food before the meat course

I don't know what I am doing...I think that's raisin bran in there.

(That's cooking wine. We just chugged it.)

Fucking Japan

rofl I love Cosplayers–the group in picture 21 in that gallery is AMAZING

Jesus H. Ross (Perot)

rofl I was following links due to some Yahoo! article and found out about this book: On Wings of Eagles, which (according to it’s wiki for everyone too lazy to click and read it on their own, Adam) is about how some workers in one of Ross Perot’s company got arrested for bribery, so he “recruits a team of volunteers from his executives, led by a retired United States Army officer, to break them out by force, if necessary.”

This is a non-fiction book.

Perot, it appears, is also from Texarkana, a place I didn’t know actually existed outside of the song “East Bound and Down”.  I wish I would have voted for him back when he was running for President and I was underage and couldn’t vote.  From everything I know about the man–which comes from Dana Carvey impressions and the Wikipedia to some crazy-ass book, he’s like a funnier, less stupid (but maybe more crazy?) version of the Texan we did end up with.  He has five billion dollars!  And spawned some of the most memorable All That sketches of all time.

All That was a terrible Nickelodeon version of MadTV, which itself is the phail version of Saturday Night Live, but for whatever reason I watched All That ALL THE TIME.  I am hilariously well versed in the cast members of All That, from noticing the fat girl when she had a small part in Dodgeball, to having huge crushes on the unfunny girl. (Link provided because that could have been ANYONE ON THE SHOW.)  So when Knuckle Puck got moved up from All That to Saturday Night Live a few years back, that incident was unequivocally the funniest thing he’s ever been part of.  Who was behind that crappy decision?

Garrosh Hellscream is a moron.

Obama was on Letterman last night, and said something I really liked–”Some of the things I discovered about being president.  If there was an easy answer, someone would have solved it and it wouldn’t get to my desk.”  lol that’s super true and funny

In Hell’s Kitchen: Bay City news, I was trying to cook some type of bullshit when I totally burned my hand.  I didn’t think much of it until it blistered up, causing a Tommy Boy-esque chain reaction of…

Jesus Christ, what happened to your hand?!

…at work.  Thankfully, since I work at the hospital, I got every nurse ever’s burn remedy.

I no longer have that hand.