Special Bridal Issue!

So Roy got married…at a FUCKING CASTLE.

LFM 1 Poor Bastard Who No Longer Wants Any Freedom, PST!

Rofl but srsly guys, it was super fun.  AND I got to re-enact my favorite WoW raids:

Onyxia's Lair!

Karazhan!

Touching Girls! (Also, MC was there!)

And of course…

Type II 'adult onset' Diabetes!

THIS FUCKING CAKE.  Cheesus Crust, it was so Gouda-damned sweet IT MADE MY TEETH HURT.  And I’m well known for chewing sugar packets straight up and putting sugar on my ice cream!  (It makes it look like fresh snow glistening in a crisp winter noonday sun…in someone’s mouth.)

…I ate five pieces.

Gz to Roy and Missy!!!!

The Case of Missy and Roy and Why They Didn't Hire Tyler As Their Wedding's Official Photographer

KIDS: This is how Swine Flu is spread! (Also, Eric was there!)

"I want to leave real early" "So do I!" "Welp, I better too!" (aka Reckinger, Cara, and Spencer)

Roy and Missy’s wedding is where I discovered my love of Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA”.  I’m not kidding.  I say, ‘my tummy’s turnin’ and I’m feelin’ kinda homesick’, every fifth sentence now (1).  Although, upon 350th listen, how many ‘Nashville parties’ are bopping to Jay-Z, Miley.  OR SHOULD I SAY HANNAH?!  Dummy.

The wedding was in Charlevoix and later my tummy’s turnin’ and I’m feeling kinda homesick, so I decided to creep some Facebook.  I noticed I was largely drawn to click the names I found in ‘All friends(1337)’ that had a mysterious horizontal line attaching the last name I recognized to some other unfortunate jumble of letters.  (Also, any girls I had MAJOR crushes on.)

I later discovered this ‘hypheen‘, as it’s been known by since the Gutenberg/Merriam Conclave of Ought O’Sixty+thirds, denotes the wondrous union of two souls in marriage, the latter name usually belonging to whomsoever forged the blood pact with Satan to ensure the continued blissful longevity of said union.  (I kid!  There’s no such thing as ‘blissful longevity of said union’!  All hail Satan, Lord Master-of-Lies, Majority Partner Forger-of-Illusory-Binding-Contracts!)

So everyone’s married now?  I guess I didn’t get the memo!  But then I wondered, ‘how do I  know what males I went to elementary/middle/high school with (and had MAJOR crushes on!) have gotten Hitch‘d, other than being invited to their weddings to wreck it up by requesting “Party in the USA”?’  Answer: UNCERTAIN.

If you, or any of your loved ones, have any information on how to solve this mystery, please call (989) 895-2300…you need not give your name.

Of Apples and Annie

So I was reading some random article about the University of Minnesota’s super apple breeding program and how they developed the variety of apple known as Honeycrisp, which by all accounts is the Best. Eatin’. Apple. Ever.  SO I spent like a whole day driving around the city trying to find them last week or so and couldn’t.  Turns out they weren’t ripe or something.  I don’t know, I’m not a farmer.

But the other day I went to Meijer and lo, the ’09 Honeycrisps are out!  And they actually are really fucking good.  It’s weird to eat fruit though, since they are vile weeds.  But my desire to taste this apple, and now that I’ve tasted it, to tell everyone about it,  is partially due to Hell’s Kitchen, the show run by some madman with easy access to giant knives and ovens.  He loves fresh things that taste fresh, yes?  Ever since I started watching Hell’s Kitchen, I’ve begun to think I know more about food, when I definitely do not.  Example: I almost sent some salmon back at Hoolihan’s the other day because I felt it was too dry.

Disregard that: A) I don’t know what ‘dry’ even means in this context and instead focus on the fact that I ORDERED FUCKING SALMON.  I will kill you show for keeping me from steak or soup.  DEATH BLOOMS.

They are always cooking scallops on that show and apparently it is really hard to do because the pans they use to cook them usually end up ON FIRE or THROWN ACROSS THE KITCHEN–oftentimes both!  I got it into my head to try cooking some myself and went and got like four pounds of them from Meijer.  I bought so many because I thought they were only $4.99/lb., but the sign was tipped to a convenient angle to obscure that they were actually FOURTEEN DOLLARS AND NINETY-NINE CENTS PER POUND.  Great.

So I’m cooking them and eating them and cooking them and eating them and slowly realizing I have no idea what the fuck these things are supposed to taste like AT ALL.  Awesome plan, Big Boy.

Annie, who wrote the best electropop album that no one else listened to in the last couple of years has a new one coming out after a long delay due to some argument with her label that I will pretend to know something about.  Here’s the first single from it or supposed to have been the first single or version that will never be released because she remixed it all before it comes out on October 19, 2009.  I don’t know.

In other music news, I went to Bonnaroo last year and one of the ‘headliners’ was a Mr. Kanye West.  He was supposed to go on originally at like 8:15p, but then moved it to 2:45a for some damn light show he just had to have set up only in the dark.  I did not care either way: who is he I don’t know let’s eat more paper and ignore him and maybe sleep.  SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN.

…but that was not meant to be, since he went on at like 5 am–WHEN IT WAS GETTING LIGHT OUT.  Smart move, Mr. Smart “I need dark 4 mys show!!111″ Guy and his horrible racket made it more impossible to sleep than it already was, further not endearing himself to me 4-F-R.

Welp, it appears Kayne wins again!

Lastly, Trevor’s Second Video.  Watch it!

The Zombie Electric

So The Beatles: Rock Band came out.  It’s gotten a crazy amount of press, from being played by Conan AND Kathie Lee to features on CNN and CNN’s Ashlee Simpson, Headline News!

It comes with an awesome replica of Ringo’s Ludwig drumset.

I've got a hole in me pocket!

The Devil is in.

Yes, we redid our hallway. No, you did not ask.

Of course the colors.

And Sir Paul's Hofner

Lots of people have asked me, ‘do you have to buy the instruments?’

Well, Sir Paul is my favorite, and I love the Hofner.  I almost bought one a couple of years ago for like $1800–but it was $1800.  Replica Hofner…always more money in the world…so to answer the question…

No, you don’t have to.  Yes, I do.

So it’s the Best Game Evar.  It’s also the saddest game ever, as Dhani kind of touches on in the Conan clip.  John and George are so well done, that it’s hard not to miss them, and you don’t get  Uncanny Valley‘d at all.  I was sad playing The End.  As someone who wasn’t even alive when John Lennon was killed, that’s kind of weird.  It’s caused me to kick my Wii and call it a fag in a knee-jerk male antiemotional fit like four times now.

This kid was talking to her mom in the restaurant today and when something about The Beatles came on the telly, they started talking about them and this ten year old girl knew all of their names.  And two of them are gone now, but at least we have video games?  lol

Everyone knows Ringo is going to be the Last Man Standing.  Lucky, crappy Ringo.  rofl

Update your iTunes to 9.0.

Labor Daybor

So Friday night we were headed from The Rock Upon Midland to the Midland Street Pub when this happened:

That is an allegedly 'real' boombox.

Followed shortly by this:

That blond girl right behind me may be the one who GRABBED MY COCK LIKE CRAZY.

(Pictures courtesy of Sarah!)

The only tape these kids had was MC Hammer’s Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em.  And of course the only cut anyone knew off that album was “U Can’t Touch This”.  So, after the brief pause to be kind, rewind, that’s what got played on repeat for about an hour.  It attracted a slew of drunks, rubberneckers, and drunks rull quick, including this one dude who turned out to be a Street Magician.  Why do I think this?  First he joined the dance party by tripping over NOTHING AT ALL, sprawling out right in the middles of everyone.  For his next trick, he conjured up THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN TWENTIES out of his ordinary jeans’ pockets.  It was like when regular magicians endless streams of colored hankies from their sleeves or stomach.  Or ass.  Except it was TWENTIES.

Third part was when he threatened to commit every single one of the dozens of people present to memory, force them back to Midland St. at his leisure and then MURDER THEM ALL if he didn’t have ‘all of his ten thousand dollars’ when he got back home.   TA-DA!

As quickly as the HammerFans appeared, they vanished into the night.  I assume they were time-travelling pranksters, bored in the warless, strifeless, perfekt Utopia of The Future, come back on a Friday night to fuck with some rubes from the past i.e. Me.  Fuck you time-travelling HammerFans.  Fuck you in your holo-replica boombox.

The owner of Brooklyn Boys, was not thrilled about what was happening right outside the door of his pizzeria.  I think he’s also a city councilman or something so be prepared for the quickest ordinance against time-travelling street dance parties EVAR.

And I implore you to watch TF’s video, Enter the Snake.

The Beatles

So I am a huge Beatles fan.  Hilariously, the first album I ever heard was the crappy soundtrack to Magical Mystery Tour with weird-ass Blue Jay Way and the instrumental Flying.  (Any good, self-respecting band has an instrumental on at least one album.  Words are for suckers.  See also YYZ, Hamburger Train.)

9/9/09 becomes, then, an especially poignant date for myself and any Beatles fans, as it is the release of the latest digital remastering of all their albums and The Beatles: Rock Band.  HofnerHofnerHofner!!!!!11!!1

However, most redundant game title evar.  It’s like going to my favorite restaurant, Rib Joint: BBQ Place, with my friend Mario Mario.  The Beatles are THE penultimate rock band, in fact the original Rock Band should just be called The Beatles: Artists Other Than.  So The Beatles: Rock Band actual title?  The Beatles: The Beatles.

Excited for the game?  I sure am.

Anyone who says they don’t like The Beatles are either liars or members of the mindless undead (aka The Rolling Stones)…nah, The Stones are good, but are you going to go out and buy The Beatles: The Rolling Stones?   NO SIR.  (I would buy The Beatles vs. The Rolling Stones Shodown III: The Who Sings My Generation Turbo, though.)

For every band I’m a fan of, that’s another 3-5 goofballs I don’t know the names of.  But these guys, I know all four of them.  Most people do.  If you’ve been alive at all in the last 40 years, you know at least ONE Beatles’ name.  The FERAL WOLF GIRL has a signed picture of Ringo.  THE FUCKING WOLF GIRL.  Almost everyone knows one of the iconic concerts they’ve played, too–Shea Stadium, The Ed Sullivan Show,  the Apple Corps. rooftop.  Aerosmith, Metallica, and Van Halen–all of which have shitty single band games–don’t have that type of mythology (?), and that’s why they faiblow (fail and blow).  If it weren’t for the band’s name, I wouldn’t know one god-damned member of Van Halen and I thought Jefferey Metallica was the bass player for those idiots.  I wikied them AND I STILL DO.

What other bands are worthy of a compleat game?